Round Two, Burger Testing 2011

Lose weight for a New Years resolution? Please. Stand out by eating out. Resolve to explore the greater Green Bay area for the tastiest, juiciest and yes, fattest burger!

We were just like you, wallowing in all the failures of yester-year as the ball dropped. Thinking back on it all, past failures and future accomplishments, etc.

Let's get to the story. Sad but true, the gang began the new year on a lame leg by hitting up Tom, Dick and Harry's just a step from the stadium. They went out of business a week later. Rumor has it we gave them a bad review and they had no other option. In truth, their burgers were not bad. The wait however killed our senses, the taste sense for the most part.

Speculation arose that we may have come across yet another pregnant waitress. Prego waitresses don't make the burger but they sure distract from it. Suffice it to say, the  team voted not to include Tom, Dick and Harry's in the competition. It only seems reasonable considering the unwritten standard that based on our results, a patron could not go to the establishment since they are now out of business. I hate to leave you with nothing further but as it stands, Tom, Dick and Harry's no longer exists. Rest in peace sweet prince of burger flipping.

Little else follows. I'm ashamed to admit and will take the bold step of speaking for my fellows, that due to circumstances beyond our control, we were unable to test any burgers save one in the ensuing four weeks. Therefore I have no choice but to leave the audience hanging, as it were. I will document our lone success in next week's edition. From there, let us hope we are fruitful in our never ending quest to find the best burger in the Greater Green Bay Area.

For now, let me introduce the panel:

Nick--A strapping young lad very particular about his burgers. His ratings are very formal and take good order into account. Weary are the waitresses who forget to fill his drink. Others may rate the burger alone but Nick knows better. He can be swayed to raise or lower his scores but nary a single point is frivolously checked.

Karen--The stealthy feline of the group has known a burger or two in her day. Less important is whether the waitress is preggo or not or if the water is warm. It is instinct that drives her passion, not boring stats. She can tell if a burger is like no other she has tasted and goes unimpressed at even the most sumptuous palates if it is something she has seen all too often. Because instinct alone can only judge a burger so far, less popular although just as important categories like condiment availability could very well be the deciding factor in her score.

Tom--Our lovable affable burger connoisseur. Tom is easy going and charms us all with his  presence. The scores he compiles for each burger is more a mystery to us than to the readers themselves. A good burger will not pass his plate unnoticed, rather it will be consumed with the utmost respect and admiration. For him, the atmosphere could very well be as important as taste in his merry mind. Could any burger panel exist with any less a free spirit?

Sarah--Sar-bear is the steely eyed vixen of our group. Regardless the importance of her score we all look to her rating with waiting hearts. Perhaps by default, perhaps by passion, she leads our group to success. While we exclaim a delectable dish  she keeps us honest and brings us back to Earth. On those occasions when there is one outlying score, you can be sure it is hers. An enigma of epic proportions that could take a lifetime to figure out. The passion begins with Sarah, and through her lovely eyes, and more appropriately her mouth, we form our results.

And then there is me--I try to stay true to the values of burger testing. Need I say more. Taste is most important to me.

We invite as many friends of the group as we are able to muster up better results. On any given occasion there can be four to ten people gathered for a burger test. Those I have listed are the true caretakers of this endeavor. I end now, there is much more to say but I have gone on long enough. In the coming weeks you will hear of special vestibules and dreary bars. Former tests will come to light as they should have ages ago. And in the end, a new best burger will be crowned. Until then my friends, never stop the desire for a better burger. Perhaps the best burger is in our hearts.